Enormous amounts of heated moist air twisted high in the atmosphere. This is how my son explained the formation of hurricanes per his second grade classroom research. Just the discussion of twisted hot air made me think of the current state of Republican presidential politics.

A lot of people have been piling on Trump and I feel bad about that. I should clarify. I feel bad about that not happening earlier, because now we have a full-blown category 5 bashing the shores of this country, set to make Florida one of its next targets.

I wanted to write something earlier, but this political stuff is not my sweet spot. I was too fascinated by the brooding storm to turn away and look at my computer screen – coincidentally where my typed words appear. Besides, who wants to hear another opinion? But I thought, what the hell. Maybe I’ll just weigh in as the non-political pundit, non-celebrity AND the guy who came up with this little analogy comparing Donald Trump to a Hurricane. And watch how I do that without once comparing his wonderful hair to a swooping, spiraling hurricane pattern. That’s solid integrity, if I do say so myself.

So, are you sick of the analogy? Yeah, me too. Why don’t I just finish it off? But, first let me ask if any readers are voting for Trump. Just raise your hands. Not like you’re taking an oath or anything. If you are a Trump follower you’ve at least got to admit that when Trump made people pledge to him that they would vote, it looked a little German 1930ish. I apologize for that comment and I don’t blame you Trumpeters if you stop reading now. Just let me get through the next paragraph. I’m even using the more royal name of Trump and have not gone to the Drumpf side. Give me a shot.

I grew up on a farm and went to farm auctions with my dad and uncle. That’s the fun of farming. Everyone is on the brink of going out of business and when your neighbor goes out of business, you feel bad, but go to his auction to see if you can get a deal on something – to help keep you from going out of business.

Can you imagine running into someone like Trump at a farm auction? Of course not. But if you did, that guy might be called a “Blowhard”. It’s sort of a funny word when it’s written. Most of the common sense oriented people I grew up knowing and know today would think a “Blowhard” is a guy who might say outlandish stuff and be all about themselves. Sometimes the “Blowhard” might even say what’s on your mind but you couldn’t bring yourself to say it. Possibly, because it was really something that shouldn’t be said (ah, and maybe deep down you knew that it shouldn’t be said because it was wrong, misinformed and not very nice –that’s really why you didn’t say it – except to your circle of friends who also said the same stuff and knew deep down it was wrong and not very nice).

Am I convincing any of you Trump friends to unfriend him? I thought probably not. But, bear with me. I think you’ll like how this hurricane analogy ends. I’ll give you a hint. There’s sunshine on the Trump fans.

We had a local blowhard. I remember my dad smiling at him and nodding and listening while looking for an escape route. Sometimes these blowhards can work themselves into a county clerk position or even make it up to higher levels of government. And that is a real shame, because these people will say anything to advance themselves. You could say this of your most hated Democrat or most hated Republican. Hell, I bet you’ve got a couple of names rolling off your tongue right now.

For good or bad, these politicians believe that what they are doing is for the good of the country and they generally stay a course. The blowhard – who makes you pick up your pace, so as to not bump into at the auction entrance – will say anything for the good of themselves. The blowhard has no time to listen. I guess that’s because he’s busy blowing hard. Hot air coming out of him to no possible end. Some will call the blowhard fancy words like “authoritarian” or “narcissist” or less fancy like “con man”. But we know he’s just a blowhard. Sometimes he may go by the moniker of “Loudmouth”.

Most of us wouldn’t be tricked into making the blowhard from the auction President of the United States. In my modest opinion, we also shouldn’t elect a blowhard from a TV show or a blowhard building contractor to be the president. If I were voting for Tump I would worry for my grandchildren that one day some Russian leader will make fun of his small hands. Then you’ve got President Trump offended and launching missiles with one of those tiny fingers (For the record, I never noticed how small his hands were until he held them up at a presidential debate and explained his whole situation to the American people). See what I’m saying, people? Pure blowhard move.

As usual, I digress. I promised to wrap up my analogy. You get it. Trump is the hurricane because he’s twisted hot air. Back in July of 2015 it looked like he was just regular blowhard hot air. But something happened. People at the auction started showing up and listening to him, more or less entertained and seriously irritated by the other people talking.

The other thing I learned from my son’s second grade class is that the hurricane can’t just happen on its own. You’re way ahead of me. You got it. There needs to be a “pre-existing disturbance” like, for example, a Tropical Depression. Maybe just really depressed and frustrated people for this analogy. And finally, there needs to be a large body of water feeding the hurricane. I guess we can say FOX news is that body, but that would not be fair and balanced. CNN and any other news outlets, where the name Trump could be heralded, were happy to feed the growing storm.

When Pat Paulsen ran for President five times (those under 40 may need to Google this one) between 1968 and 1996 no news outlets carried any of his speeches – and he was really funny. I think it was because he just didn’t seem like a serious candidate. He may have become a serious candidate had most news outlets covered all his speeches. Sorry, Pat. The news people of the time were not interested in that kind of fun news. However, things have changed.

Now everyone is running for their cars, grabbing bread and water off grocery store shelves and boarding up their windows. Meanwhile Trump supporters are standing in the eye of the storm with the sunshine of Trump smiling down on them like that big sunny, giggling orange faced baby in the Teletubbies (those over 40 may need to Google this one). I would say he’s preying on a group of people who are fearful and tired of the slow workings of a democracy, and in turn putting at risk many ideas held dear in this country – all in the name of having a blowhard get his way.

I would hope that Trump supporters will not go with the blowhard, but I find solace in the fact that I believe the hurricane will dissipate. I don’t think that he will ever quit – he shouldn’t, he’s winning. He’s in the process of being a winner. He’s a totally big winner with what looks like about 15% of the voters in the country picking him.

In true political fashion, the uncharacteristically large egos of those seeking the presidential title should diffuse each other. You know, like two negatives make a positive. The Republicans will do all in their power to wrestle Trump’s mantle away from him pre-convention or during convention. If unsuccessful, the other leading candidate will run as an independent. If Trump can’t get his tiny hands on his party’s thrown he will run as an independent.

In my optimistic view Trump will not become the next President and the hurricane will blow through having done its damage. I hope I’m right. But I’m still preparing for a long storm. I’m guessing my words may not have dissuaded any Trump fans. If Trump does become the Republican nominee, I’m planning on turning this essay into a reality TV show in an effort to get it in front of a larger audience.

My bigger concern is for the next hurricane season. It looks like it’s fairly easy to dupe the American people in a major way. And now all the news channels see how great the frenzied media pulls in the ratings and money. All that’s needed is a better looking man or woman with good, normal looking hair, regular sized hands and a willingness to say anything. Be on the lookout at the next auction you attend. You could find a blowhard who will be the next political hurricane and possibly our next President.

Sadly Yours,

Jason Spafford

Dear readers, here is my new celebrity cause: The word “Lisp”. Let me be clear with you. I have a couple challenges right out of the gates. First, I’m not a celebrity. Eventually, we can only hope that the cause catches the altruistic eye of some celebrity with an abundance of celebrity style time on their hands. My second challenge (see how I’ve avoided the word “problem” for all you positive people) is that I don’t really care about the actual affliction of the lisp.

I could actually care less if someone makes a “th” sound when they are attempting to make an “s” sound via their mouth. I don’t have a judgmental bone in my body when it comes to how someone pronounces or doesn’t pronounce an “s” sound. I say “potatoes”, you say “potatoeth”. We are all equal – well, except for the extra teeth marks on the top of your tongue, which happens to lay too close to the front of your mouth.

Let’s back up for a second and explain that not only is this type of speech impediment known as a “Lisp”, but it can also be known as “Sigmatism”. I guess “Lisp”, for the afflicted, is the lessor of the two evils, with Sigmatism turning into Thigmatithm and lisp only being lithp. With this speech impediment, it is not only “s” sounds, but other sibilants (yeah, I just learned that word, too) like “z”, “ts”, and “dz” that are misarticulated.

The word “lisp” has several possible roots going back to Greek, German, Danish and old English. The origin of the word will need to be discussed by more knowledgeable sorts. I’m only here today to point out the problem and offer a solution we can all agree on.

What I’m concerned about, and find to be cruel and unnecessary to those speaking with a lisp, is actually the word. The word “Lisp” is like some vicious taunt. I should stop for one moment and say that on the flip side, for those that embrace and love their lisp, that simple descriptive term can be a point of pride.

“Damn right, I don’t say “etheths”. I have a lithp and I’m proud of it, thuccer!

But it seems pernicious to the group who sees the lisp as a speech impediment to be overcome. Those who only dream of being able to denote plurality by an “s” sound or others put off by all the extra work that goes into the “th” sound. These are the poor souls whom I shall dedicate my life – or at least a few minutes here. So, maybe I shouldn’t have said my life. My bad.

How sadistic is it that the very name of the affliction has to be “Lisp”. The sufferer of said affliction is not even able to talk about the problem without being forced to use a letter “s”. I am here today to say that we need to change the name of this impediment from the overtly insensitive name “Lisp” to something more appropriate and easier for the lisping community to say.

Cordial and learned readers, having the word “Lisp” portray the event taking place when the “s” sound is represented by the “th” sound is paramount to having the made up word of “Stttuttutter” represent the word “Stutter”. Image the unadulterated horror of a person struggling with a stuttering speech impediment having to use the word Stttuttutter to talk about their personal issue. Talk about rubbing one’s nose in said affliction.

I have, of course, given this some grave thought and after a whole bunch of minutes thinking about this problem. I’ve come up with a solution. I’ve come up with a better name. The beautiful thing is that this new name is not a made up word. Sure, I thought about just changing the name from “Lisp” to “Lithp”. That makes everyone say it the same. And, this may be a back-up if my plan A solution can’t be easily implemented.

Plan A takes an already popular word and merely has it swap places with “Lisp”. Here it is. We take Kegel, as in Kegel exercises, and swap it with Lisp. The affliction where the “s” sound turns into the “th” sound becomes “Kegel” and the exercises associated with strengthening pelvic floor muscles turns into “Lisp exercises”. As many of you know, these exercises are used to prepare for or recover from child birth and used to treat urinary incontinence. To be fair, the exercises can also be helpful for men with bladder control issues.

There will be some challenges with the swapping of the terms. For example, everyone is pretty used to “Lisp” referring to Lisp and “Kegel” referring to a certain exercise. However, I think a major word “search and replace” throughout the internet should be easy enough. Think about all the attention that these two topics will receive upon the decision to move forward with the word swap.

The Kegel exercises came to be by Dr. Arnold Kegel in the early 1940s and he has received much praise for his early work in the gynecological field. This can’t be taken away from him. After all, it’s not like there’s a Dr. Lisp out there. I bet if he were alive today he would think that it’s time for his name to be associated with something other than pee control exercises – not that this hasn’t been important to millions and millions of women. But, I’m just saying maybe his decedents would be ok if their name wasn’t only known for preventing urine leaks. Not to mention, I think we can all see how the term “Lisp” is more relatable to the description of a leaky bladder.

The important thing here is how much sense this actually makes. All people with this speech impediment should be able to easily say the word “Kegel”. I do realize that there will be a small number of leaking bladder women that may be faced with using the term “Lisp exercises” who are not able to easily make an “s” sound. AND we’ve added the word “exercises” with two additional “s” sounds. Bummer. The good thing is that they have options. They can refer to them with other terms, such as “pelvic workout” or “leaky bladder workout”.

I’m super bushed from pointing out this problem AND finding a solution. I might add, all in one day. I’ll leave it up to you to take the movement forward – at least until there can be a reliable celebrity spokesperson signed on to carry out the plan. My last input is that I think it would help advance the cause immensely if the celebrity is a woman with a lisp, suffering from urinary incontinence.

Sadly Yours,

Jason Spafford

This is the final part of Episode 1.  Episode running time of approximately 60 minutes. Episode 2 coming soon.

Hey you with your books
Don’t gimme your looks
Off your high horse
And talk to the pawns
We don’t live in fastidious times
Puttin’ down hideous rhymes
But to get to the point
We’ve gotta look around
To get to the truth
We’ve gotta be found
Love is like
The longest hike
A blackboard with writing
Two kids play fighting
The tide and the moon
Makin’ an agreement
Dove being sent
You paying rent
Cherry bombs
With a vodka furnace
It’s gonna churn us

Hey you with your books
I’ve got my hooks
And ladders that shatter
The windows above
The mercury will give ya a shove
Fire on the second floor
Kills the third floor
Fire on the first floor
Squatter on the dirt floor
Bustin’ up chifferobes
Dancin’ like Hazel Motes
The prophet dotes

Hey you with your books
Call ‘em chefs or call ‘em cooks
When the sun hits the pan
Egg’s gotta fry
When the boy hits the street
Mama’s gonna cry
Love is like
A cruise missile
Gotta blow the whistle
Lay in my bed
Of silk and thistle
Held back by the bottom
Pushed down by the top
You’ve got your presidents
But we’re the residents

Hey you with your books
What’s your favorite hymn
This life is crooked
It needs a shim
Sham is to the public
Shiv is to the rhetoric
Wake before you go
To sleep
Shut up before you go
To weep

Hey you with your books
It’s your move
Queen me with your rooks
Catch your breath
Take my breath
Knock this world
Inside out
Books make the route
Move over
Hey you move over
I’m comin’ up
I’ll eat those books like fire
Spit out the words
My mouth’s for hire

Hey you with your books
I’m comin’ up
I’m givin’ the looks
And makin’ them mine
It’s all gonna be real
Real fine.

Tommy meets Dos and has a flashback to the beginning of phone phreaking.

Down by the creek doors always open
I said marry me
You said ferry me
To the other side of this wide life
You’ll be my wife
Little white church
In a green green field

Dancin’ in the aisles when the prayin’s done
Rippin’ an’ shoutin’ like the Lord wanted
Us ta have fun til the morning sun
Sunday’s here, Saturday’s gone
But you and I can’t be wrong
Down by the creek doors always open

Pretty pretty woman
Gonna be my bride
Goin’ down that river side by side
Dressed in white
My heart high like a kite
Pull my strings

Dancin’ in the aisles when the prayin’s done
Rippin’ an’ shoutin’ like the Lord wanted
Us ta have fun til the morning sun
Sunday’s here, Saturday’s gone
But you and I can’t be wrong

Doors always open
Put on those rings
Down by the creek
Find what you seek
Little white church
In a green green field

Stands so quiet for us to arrive
Then makes us dance when the prayin’s done
Floors creakin’ to the beat of our hearts
Just like the good lord wanted done
You and I have become one

Little white church
In a green green field

Click on link below to hear vocals/music by Rob Meany:

Marry Me

Agent Krist finds out about Phone Phreakers and Tommy takes a trip down memory lane.

RYE AND FIRE

Get your guns
And carry them to the creek
A Colt 45 long and sleek
Crops come in
Rye comes out
Herald and shout
The fire chief stood in the yard
Said it looked like arson
I said it looked like love
Not every day in this big ol’ life
That someone tries to burn you down

Rye and fire, rye and fire
She’s spare and tranquil
Lettin’ her heart get its fill

Crops got in
Rye came out
I left her for the miller’s daughter
She grabbed matches and fodder
And proved her love
Was stronger than hanging ropes
And jail bar hopes
Gotta forgive that crazy woman
Who loves me just like fire
She warms my heart
With her brazen attempts to put me out
Put me on a pyre

Rye and fire, rye and fire
She’s Odessa in the night
Her love will put up a fight

Crops come in
Rye came out
The miller’s daughter went off
With the sheriff’s son
Talk of burning all done
I stay in her arms
Where I can watch her hands
And how they move

Rye and fire, rye and fire
By my side til this world gets dire
Her love won’t get tired

Rye & Fire – Music & Vocals by Anna Schulze (CLICK ON LINK BELOW)

RSAnnaSchulze (Rye and Fire)

It’s about time somebody bought the farm.

The continuation of a script being written and rewritten every week finds Agent Krist leading Tommy into hiding.